Unforeseen details...

Okay, so I'm sick and tired of talking to these stupid pregnant women who talk about nothing more than morning sickness and labor pains when asked about the hard times.  They're hiding SO MUCH pertinent information!  So, I will be uncovering this crap as I go.  And today's little "surprise?"  Every time I cough, or sit up in bed too quickly, it kills.  (Okay, "kills" is strong.  It feels like I've been doing a hundred sit-ups every day when we all know that crap ain't happening.)  There are apparently some bands (or something) that stretch from my ribs to the bottom of where this kid's sitting, and they're tight.  They don't really want to move.  And while I'm sure they're supposed to support the little one while he or she is hanging far past my belt, it's quite inconvenient right now!  So, part one of the truth, out of the way, and out in the open.

Read this!!!

Yes, this is the best ever.  Read this and remember it, because I will not tolerate dissension in the ranks.  You have been warned.  This is found on this site, but you can read it below...  http://soupbelly.com/2010/04/28/i-wish-i-wrote-this-but-i-didnt/  Read it, memorize it, and the next time you see me, tell me, "You look fabulous!"  Because the next time someone tells me, "Look!  You're getting a belly!" I will cry.

1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is ‘Congratulations!’ with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk.  You know, I don't think I'll ever forgive some people for the stupid stuff they said.  I know there are risks to the baby.  I don't need to hear how many babies are lost in the first trimester.  Jerk.

2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father – not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase ‘my baby’.  Apparently, however, it is still "My grandson."  His granddaughter is going to be pissed when she gets out here.  :)

3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it…  Yeah.  Whatever I'm doing, your response is "Well, it looks like you've really thought about this!"  That's as negative as you can get. 

4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix, or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.  Touch me and die.  Comment and die.  That kicking--I'm assuming that's the kid's way of saying "stay the hell off my mommy."

5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight…ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is ‘You look fabulous!’.  ...as I mentioned before. 

6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer.  Seriously, again.  You're a jerk.  And you people know who you are.  Well, you're not reading this.  But, those people...well, they're jerks.  Think of it this way:  Since my baby's going to be here in July, we get to walk around in skirts and dresses, while you Winter-Cows (yeah, I'm petty) will be packed into jeans and fat-sweaters.  In yo face. 

7. There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL, or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren’t invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won’t be invited to be there when it comes out either.  This is just strange.  But, if you don't visit me and bring me presents, I'm sure I'll be disappointed.  Just wait until the baby's in a resting position--not moving out.

8. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital, and the parent’s home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to ‘help out’. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.  Yeah, that's just strange...

9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules, and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.  I love my sister.

10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.  Again, presents pave the way to my door.  :) 

Sincerely,
All the Pregnant Women in the World

Yay Prezzies!

Megan sent me a new book--Eloise!  Totally out of the blue, too!  I suppose that's what true friends are made of, of course.  But, Eloise is fantastic!  A city-wise hotel-dweller, Eloise runs amok throughout the Plaza.  With a few French phrases, this one was a real toughie for my everything-sounds-like-Italian husband.  If it's not The Godfather, he's confused.   So, Eloise is wreaking havoc on her unsuspecting Nanny and dragging along her pug Weenie for the ride.  There's no real point.  It kind of bounces around like it's main character, but I was so pleased listening to this entire book.  New favorite?  Probably.  Thanks again, Megan!  ...and all those who are helping us find new ways to occupy our tummy-time!  :)

First Trimester

Okay, we're just about to the 13-week mark and thus far it's all been decently uneventful!  :)  Mike and I officially got to look at our precious little nudger, and of course, we've picked out names.  By the way, we'll know what gender SHE is mid-March.  ;-)  This whole morning sickness thing seems to have completely skipped the Vorys family which is a blessing I thank God Himself for.  I AM in preggo jeans already, and thanks to Allyn, they're the most comfortable things I've ever worn.  I'm just wishing I were showing more.  The thing you don't think about in the first trimester--you just look chunky.  No one can tell you're pregnant, so I tell a lot of people.  :)  Makes you look darned fantastic, actually.  Mike's fantastic to have around, primarily because he refuses to let me lift things, so I need a lot of help around the house, and he's totally involved.  He reads us stories every night!  And we got our crib!  It's gorgeous!  The minute I know what we're having, I'm at Lowe's grabbing paint.  So, who's got a great idea for a theme for the nursery?

What's the Point?

I've been asked by my dear friends to let them know what books we have collected for our newcoming little one.  So, on the right hand side of the page, I'm going to keep a running list of what books he/she has collected.  Since Mike and I are already reading through the books to develop that growing mind and encourage the little listening ears, we're already running out of fresh material.  It's going to be a very long time before this kid will stop asking us to read aloud, so we thank you kindly for whatever you stumble upon in your local Goodwill.  You're too kind.